By Greg Schwem
“Celebrity Apprentice” fans, don’t despair. Yes, your favorite show might be on hiatus now that NBC has severed its relationship with Donald Trump. But, should the apocalypse occur and The Donald becomes our nation’s 45th chief executive, expect to see the program return … to the White House.
This seems like a natural move for Trump, who touts his deal-making and mediation skills as cornerstones of his candidacy. For years we have watched him assign tasks to teams of individuals with varying backgrounds, thought processes and talents. He sets deadlines, listens to the results, peppers the players with questions and then chooses whatever option he thinks is best.
Think about it: Isn’t that kind of what the president does when our nation faces a major crisis?
Since Trump is convinced he is going to be elected, I’m sure he has already laid the groundwork for season one of “Presidential Apprentice.” In January 2017, shortly after he takes the oath of office, expect a cast of political experts, innovative thinkers and celebrities to assemble in the newly-named TRUMP! Rose Garden and await their initial task.
“Welcome, everyone, to what I’m sure will be a very exciting season. You have been divided into two teams. I have chosen Spanish team names as part of my ongoing efforts to repair relationships with the Latino community. Egotista features Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Ben Bernanke, Amy Schumer, Kanye West and Hillary Clinton. Hillary, nice to see you. No hard feelings, right?”
“Whatever.”
“Now meet your opponents, Pomposo, consisting of Colin Powell, Marco Rubio, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk and Gary Busey. Gary, great to have you back.”
“Pleased to be back, Mr. Trump, er, Mr. President, I mean, Your Royal Highness. I’m sorry, where am I and why am I here?”
“Great questions, Gary. Teams, as you know, there were feuds in the Middle East long before I made my first billion. Your task is to achieve peace. I’d do it myself – and I’m certain I could – but I’m spending the next few days balancing the budget. And believe me, when I’m done it will be the GREATEST, most SUCCESSFUL budget this nation has ever seen. So I’m entrusting you. My secretary of state, Ivanka, will update me on your progress. Now go back to the East Room and choose your project managers. I’ll see you in the Oval Office one week from today, where somebody will be fired.”
(ONE WEEK LATER)
“Ivanka, how did they do?”
“Well, Egotista chose Kanye West as project manager.”
“Ben Bernanke, do you think that was a good move?”
“From a fiscal standpoint, no. He demanded his own jet to fly to the West Bank. So we were over budget before negotiations even commenced.”
“Interesting. Pomposo chose Mark Zuckerberg. Elon Musk, why did you do that?”
“We chose Zuck because of his experience getting people to ‘like’ each other. Really, it was a no-brainer. Sort of like purchasing a Tesla if you’re serious about energy conservation.”
“Mark, how do you think you did?”
“Too early to tell, Mr. President. I’ve set up Facebook pages for the Israelis and the Palestinians, and encouraged both sides to hear each other out through blogs and targeted posts. I’ve also put Colin Powell in charge of moderating comments.”
“Excellent. Amy Schumer, how did you help your team?”
“I didn’t have a lot of time, Mr. President. I was busy appearing on the cover of, and being interviewed by, every magazine still in operation.”
“Neil DeGrasse Tyson, your thoughts?”
“I did even less work than Amy, Mr. President. But only because, as I tried to explain to Kanye, the moon, stars and other celestial bodies will never line up in such a way that makes peace in the Middle East possible. That’s a fact.”
“Estoy de acuerdo.”
“Excuse me, Marco?”
“That’s Spanish for ‘I agree.’”
“Good point. Egotista, you’ve left me in a tough predicament. Kanye, you showed zero leadership skills. And Amy, you were worthless. But I’m going with my gut here.
Hillary, you’re fired.”
