by Greg Schwem
Hard to believe Christmas 2022 has come and gone. It seems like only yesterday the 2021 holiday was upon us and people were freaking out about attending festive family gatherings because of COVID-19 germs and a toxic political environment.
It’s nice to know some things never change.
What did change, as always, were Christmas wish lists. When I started writing this column, there were seven shopping days left until the holiday; but I was reasonably convinced certain gifts were unobtainable, whether the recipient was a working schlub like myself or obnoxiously rich and famous.
Again, these are just my predictions. So, at the risk of sounding like a weather forecaster or a sports prognosticator, here is a partial list of gifts some of the world’s most well known celebrities — and lesser known individuals — did not receive this blessed holiday season:
Taylor Swift: Tickets to her own concert tour.
Harry and Meghan: Keys to Buckingham Palace. Also, the correct garage code.
Elon Musk: Loyal employees.
Ed Sheeran: A hairbrush.
Pete Davidson: Uh, why is he on this list? That dude got everything he wanted in 2022.
Donald Trump: Relevance.
Donald Trump Jr.: A job. Wait, never mind. He didn’t ask for one.
Will Smith: The neuralyzer from his “Men in Black” movies. You know, it’s that contraption that erases people’s memories. Ideally Smith needed it the night of the Oscars, but rumor has it he’s been searching for one ever since.
Tom Brady: See “Will Smith.”
The cast of Saturday Night Live: The ability to write one funny sketch that does not involve bringing back a former cast member to make a guest appearance.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis: A longer pair of skis. In 2023, expect him to remain WAY over the tips of his current pair.
Florida residents: Manners.
Kari Lake: More votes.
Kanye West: A menorah.
The January 6th Committee: Closure.
Dr. Mehmet Oz: A holiday party featuring crudites.
Sam Bankman-Fried: Freedom.
George Stephanopolous: A card from Sam Bankman-Fried thanking him for “that great interview.”
Crypto investors: A positive return.
Dogs: Owners who aren’t nervous about what 2023 will bring.
Cats: Cats don’t need anything.
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of two books: “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad” and the recently released “The Road To Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS From a Corporate Comedian,” available at Amazon.com. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.
You’ve enjoyed reading, and laughing at, Greg Schwem’s monthly humor columns in Senior Living News. But did you know Greg is also a nationally touring stand-up comedian? And he loves to make audiences laugh about the joys, and frustrations, of growing older. Watch the clip and, if you’d like Greg to perform at your senior center or senior event, contact him through his website at www.gregschwem.com)
