by Greg Schwem
Please, Harrison Ford, don’t do this.
You’re already 78 years old. You’ve proven to be one of the most bankable movie stars in history. You’ve survived numerous plane mishaps, some due to your, um, confusion while piloting your own aircraft. You’re Jack Ryan, Dr. Richard Kimble and Han Solo, rolled up into one dude. Leave it at that.
But you’re also Indiana Jones, the guy who found the Ark of the Covenant, and apparently, you’re going to gulp down a whole lot of anti-inflammatories and reprise the character yet again. A fifth Indiana Jones movie, Disney confirmed earlier this month, will be released in July 2022. You will be 80 by then.
I know, 60 is the new 40 and 70 might be the new 50 but 80 is still 80. I can’t imagine a scenario where an 80-year-old man, even one who has faced off against Nazis, would be in need of anything other than a comfortable chair. My mom just celebrated her 85th birthday and we got her everything on her wish list, comprised of an outdoor planter and a fanny pack.
“I need something to hold my phone when I get the mail,” she said.
Also, Harrison, may I remind you that, in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” you found the Holy Grail, which gives eternal youth to anyone who drinks from it. You gave it to your dad, a noble gesture for sure, but you took nary a sip. Had you done so, you could have made many more adventures. But you didn’t and now I assume you’re like most octogenarians; trying to stay active but also bemoaning how much it costs every time you pick up a prescription at the local CVS. That problem will, hopefully, be rectified in the Summer 2022 blockbuster, “Indiana Jones and the Elusive, Affordable Meds.” How about this for a plot?
OPEN: While playing Pickleball at an undisclosed active retirement community, Indiana Jones is visited by his grandson, Michigan Jones (I’m thinking Chris Evans for this role). Michigan has grown weary of reading his grandfather’s Facebook rants about the OUTLANDISH cost of Lisinopril, which Indiana takes daily to control his high blood pressure. This condition first appeared more than 30 years ago when he fell into a vat of poisonous snakes.
Michigan shows his grandfather how to download the GoodRx app. Together, they see that Lisinopril is available for a third of the price at a Costco but it’s 60 miles away. Despite Indiana’s complaints about Costco — “Why do I need 30 pounds of cashews at my age?” — Michigan offers to drive him. Indiana infuriates his Pickleball partners by leaving the game early to get ready for his latest adventure.
CUT TO: Indiana stubbornly tells Michigan that he needs his whip and sable fedora before leaving. The whip is in his nightstand; unfortunately, he sold the fedora at a yard sale while downsizing. Michigan says he could order a new one on Amazon, with one-day shipping, but Indiana doesn’t want to wait. Whip at the ready, the two set out for Costco.
CUT TO: Indiana insists on stopping at Denny’s for the senior discount breakfast. Indiana says it’s his “God given right” to enter the establishment without a face covering but the Denny’s manager has other ideas. Warily eyeing Indiana’s whip, the manager also gestures to the “No Weapons Allowed” sign on the cash register. Furious, Indiana leaves, vowing never to spend another red cent at Denny’s. Michigan texts his wife, saying, “Grandpa’s being Grandpa again.”
CUT TO: They enter Costco, using Michigan’s membership card. Indiana reluctantly dons a mask. They approach the pharmacy, where Indiana does indeed get his Lisinopril. Upon leaving, a Costco attendant asks to see Indiana’s receipt.
“You think I stole this?” an enraged Indiana replies “The Temple of Doom has nothing on this place. Get the manager.”
Michigan produces the receipt and leads his grandfather to the parking lot. They arrive home at 4 p.m., just in time for dinner.
(Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of two books: “Text Me If You’re Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad” and the recently released “The Road To Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS From a Corporate Comedian,” available at Amazon.com. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.
You’ve enjoyed reading, and laughing at, Greg Schwem’s monthly humor columns in Senior Living News. But did you know Greg is also a nationally touring stand-up comedian? And he loves to make audiences laugh about the joys, and frustrations, of growing older. Watch the clip and, if you’d like Greg to perform at your senior center or senior event, contact him through his website at www.gregschwem.com)